Denial

By 1994, Laguna Beach, the artist colony that had once prided itself on being a safe haven for gay men, had been ravaged by AIDS. It felt like a ghost town.
According to an article in the Los Angeles Times on June 16, 1993, the percentage of AIDS deaths among the male population in Laguna Beach was 78% .

When Bob was released from the hospital, we'd decided to bring him to Mother's house in Anaheim instead of to his condo in Laguna Beach because Lenny was dividing his time between Laguna and Las Vegas. Lenny's mother had just died the month before and his father was in ill health. It made more sense to bring him to Mother's. She only lived two blocks from me and the house was on one level. Bob's condo had three levels.
Lenny visited on the weekends.

Lenny, Bob's partner of twenty-five years, companion, and friend, had already nursed several friends at the hour of their death. He chose not to do that for Bob.
This angered Mother. It puzzled me but on some level I understood it. The complexity of our family, the unasked and unanswered questions about my brother's private life now put on display as he lay dying of AIDS in Mother's den was too much to bear.

There was no one to blame. Each of us bore responsibility for the silence we'd kept. Now all that mattered was loyalty.

There is a fine line between denial and loyalty. Loyalty to family can lead to secrecy and lies. I knew there was something wrong with my brother in October of 1993. But I chose not to say anything. Partly out of fear. Partly out of respect. Partly out of loyalty. Partly out of denial. After all, I was his little sister. We'd never talked openly about Bob's sexuality. He wasn't exactly "closeted." He did after all live in Laguna Beach with Lenny.
But it was Bob's life. His choices had caused pain for his family but he was, after all, entitled to his choices. No one judged him.
As Mother would say, "Live and let live."
But now, Bob was dying and AIDS was forcing our family to face its denial for the first time.

In the closet of my brother's bedroom in Laguna Beach, I found a video tape entitled "AIDS what is it and how do you get it?"

It was unopened.


(Aria - A Sister's Journey With AIDS continued in next post- The Last Day At Home)