Lamentation of the Days

Journal entries May 23, 1994 - May 30, 1994

Holy
Holy
Holy
are these days.

These days of ache, of tears, of purging grief
of love.

Oh to cradle you, to rock you to your death
Oh my brother

My heart shouts. Bursts. Scared of what wil die with you.
Oh my brother, how I longed for you in my life.
How I long to be your sister.
I will be
your ears
your mouth
your brain.
I will listen
to your eyes and I will speak
what I know to be your heart
if you will let me.

A whisper of you.
Tender
Tender
Brother of mine.

These days of staggering generosity.
Teaching me humility.
Teaching me to let go.
Teaching me to accept.
Teaching me to say thank you.
Teaching me what love is.

Conversations with my brother
Slow
Steady
Peaceful
Quiet
Reading his eyes
When they close, when they tear, when they drift, when he is engaged, when he is engulfed in music

I want to remember
Our talking
Our laughter
your rapid fire delivery at a podium, at the dinner table, at the bar
your voice deep and resonant
your creative mind
your sense of humor
your point of view
your leadership
your stride
your feet turned out slightly as you walked across our office
your delight
Ordering a Smirnoff Vodka Martini on the rocks with one olive
Sipping a glass of Cabernet
Listening to the opera
Wearing a sweatshirt
Wearing a suit
Calling me honey

All of this halted.
Now, mouth agape, trapped
All I ever knew of my brother is gone.

His arms are thin.
His limbs are rigid.
Oh God to realize these days
these days
each one.

Oh my brother
My brother
How precious are these days

Those days in Laguna
Those slow, slow days
I did not know.

Count down.
The doctor says a month at most.
If he were conscious, I wonder what my brother would do with a month?
What would any of us do?
I am exhausted.
What more do I need to say to my brother?
Here is a chance to say everything and at this moment I can't think of a thing.
So I will sing.
Sing.
Sing for my brother.
(Aria - A Sister's Journey With AIDS to be continued in next post - Denial)